Today is March 18, 2016. It is 12:02 a.m. I am at work, and I am thinking.
Yesterday, I hurt a friend very badly because of the way that I behaved. I was bitter and cynical and passive-aggressive, and now she won’t talk to me. I don’t blame her. I went back and read the messages we sent to each other, and I barely even remember it happening. I don’t remember feeling the way I told her I was feeling at the time. I don’t remember saying the things I said.
Thanks to Borderline Personality Disorder, I become an irrational, enraged tornado of a person sometimes, and I destroy anyone in my path that doesn’t know how to avoid the wind. That doesn’t make it okay. That does not justify the abuse that comes from the confusion within me.
I think the worst thing I did to her was tell her to shut up, leave me alone, and to learn something about my disorder or our friendship would not work out. That’s not fair. It shouldn’t be any of your responsibilities to figure out how I’m feeling and what I need when I can’t even figure that out myself. I have been in therapy for this for 3 years now, and I have gotten so much better. Where I had all 9 symptoms, I now have 5. While there is no cure for BPD, there is such a thing as remission from symptoms. It will never really go away, but I can learn coping skills that diminish its effects and allow me to function. I am getting there. Someday, I know I will be there.
Today is not that day, and that’s alright. I am learning, and this is part of the process. What I am about to do, I tried with my husband the other day, and it seemed to really help him understand what was going on in my head much more than any article or description of BPD we could find. I only did it for one situation, but this time, I decided to do it for the whole day, just to see how it changes. Some of this is going to be hard to read, I think. I can get pretty negative and downright scary. Don’t worry. I’m not going anywhere.
I will put the phrase or event that triggered me in bold first, and then under that I will type everything that goes through my mind because of it in plain text. I will not name anyone in the process; I will simply put “Friend 1” or “F1” at the beginning. I’m not doing this to call anyone out or make you feel bad. Please do not read these and see something you said to me and feel picked on or like you did something wrong or that I hate you. I love all of you so very much, and I could not have made it this far in life without you. This is just a way for me to give you a window into my brain, and into Borderline Personality Disorder.
It’s 12:21 a.m. We shall begin.
12:30 a.m. A notification popped up on my phone from Facebook. Someone has replied to a comment I left on their status.
You’re so stupid. Why do you think you’re funny? She’s probably so mad at you. That was such a dumb thing to say. Don’t even check it. Just know she’s not going to be your friend anymore because you risked it all to make a stupid comment that was NOT. FUNNY.
It is 12:40 before I check the comment. It’s just a bunch of emojis agreeing with what I said.
Wow. You’re so dumb. I told you that you were stupid. Why would that offend anyone? You have been in agreement about this subject for weeks. Geez. I hate you. You’re pathetic. Go do your job. Be useful. Ugh.
12:42 a.m. I am reading over what I literally just got done typing.
I can’t believe you’re wasting everyone’s time doing this. Wasting your own time. Wasting your friends’ time. They’ll never understand you. They don’t want to. They don’t care. You’ve hurt so many people. Why would they want to be around this mess? You’re a mess. You’re disgusting. I can’t even look at you.
12:48 a.m. I am folding laundry at work, and I am in the room alone.
My heart feels like it’s going to jump out of my chest surely it’s skipping beats surely this is the end i can’t breathe i have to sit against the sink and put my head down i breathe i count backwards from 10 i am still dizzy in my nose out my mouth right thats right its so hot i need to focus fold the clothes distract yourself.
1:08 a.m. I am on the phone with my husband.
Drew: I read your blog! I like it. It is a little negative.. but you warned everyone that it would be so I think it’s okay.
Me: And really, its not always negative. Like, I’m fine now. 20 minutes ago I was a mess. Now I’m fine.
Drew: *laughs* Yeah, that’s true.
1:16 a.m. Drew asks me something.
Drew: Hey, I was going to play some more video games before I go to bed. Is that okay? Do you want me to keep talking to you or let you go while I play?
Me: Uhhh, what are you playing?
Drew: Counter Strike.
Me: Then no.
Drew: You don’t want me to keep talking to you?
Me: Nah, because you won’t talk to me..
Drew: *laughs* Yeah, you’re right. Is that okay? Are you sure?
Me: Yeah, it’s fine. *smiles* Hang on, let me write that down.
Drew: *laughs* Okay. Do you want me to call you before I go to bed?
Me: Umm, yes.
Drew: Okay. Goodnight, sweetie. Er.. I’ll call you in a couple of hour- I don’t know how long I’m gonna be up.
Me: *laughs* It’s fine. I love you.
Drew: I love you. I’ll call you later. Bye, sweetie.
1:24 a.m. Someone has replied to a comment on Facebook.
F1: We miss you!
Me: I love you guys! We’ll just have to do something soon!
They love me! They really do. I’m sad I couldn’t hang out tonight because of work, but I know this is the adult thing to do. Oh, well. Spring Break is next week. We’ll all have plenty of time to do something. I’m so excited! My friends are so great!
1:29 a.m. We are watching the tv show “Baggage” and a contestant just admitted to something ridiculous.
It’s only been 2 minutes, but I said a lot of sarcastic, funny stuff to my coworker, and I already don’t remember what I said because I was talking faster than I could remember or type. The girl’s name was Jessica, though. LOL
3:30 a.m. I am on break. I went to the gas station to get some coffee. A song comes on the radio. *I had to write this about 30 minutes later because the experience was too much to record as it was happening. This may be hard to read.*
“Jar of Hearts” by Christina Perri. I know immediately, and my heart feels like all the blood has been squeezed out of it at once.
You know in the movies or in books when a character is angry and everything turns red? That actually happens for me. As soon as the words started in this song, my vision just exploded. Everything was red. Everything was dripping. Was I crying? I couldn’t tell. I had to pull over.
Turn it off. Just turn it off.
“I learned to live half alive..” she sings. Yes, I did.
“Who do you think you are..” Who DO you think you are? You’re so cold. I hate you. Why did this happen?
“I hear you’re asking all around if I am anywhere to be found.” No. Go away. Why do you care about me? You don’t care about me.
The chorus again. Who does he think he is? Is my heart in his jar? I can’t breathe.
“It took so long just to feel alright- remember how to put back the light in my eyes. I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed, cause you broke all your promises.” And I am automatically back in the red room, and you kissed me, and you smiled at me, and you loved me, and then everything was on fire, and you hit me, and you smelled like whiskey, and I couldn’t breathe and I prayed you wouldn’t come back. Just don’t come back. I didn’t care what happened. Just don’t come back.
The song ends. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Please let it end. Please let this end.
1:04 p.m. I’m finally home and laying down to take a nap.
I freak our because I think Drew is supposed to be at work at 1, not 1:30, and I text him to see what the heck he’s still doing at home. He replies, “Don’t worry about it. I got this.”
I am enraged. My heart is pounding in my ears and I am breathing very hard. I haven’t even rolled over. Haven’t even put the phone down. I have done nothing to physically cause this to happen. My brain has simply kicked into overdrive and my body is freaking out alongside it. I can’t see straight. I close my eyes.
9:00 p.m. My alarm is going off.
I wake up, and shut off the noise. I can’t even make myself sit up in bed. I’m just laying here staring at the ceiling. A lot of people describe depression as feeling hopeless and worthless and isolated with a little bit of sadness sprinkled in. That’s not what this is. This is… Nothing. I just feel empty. Like while I slept, my whole self just drained out of me and I am a shell of a person. Who am I? What am I doing here? I am grasping for anything to hold onto, anything to give me an identity. And nothing comes. So I get up. And I go to work. And I search for myself in the littlest things, but she doesn’t come. I never find her.